Room at the Table
story by Donna Hecker
Everyone should have a vase of flowers and a geranium-scented candle behind the window of their room, remembering that the days of sorrow are over every time as their flowers dry and bloom again.
-M. Toori
Snow is falling in Lexington today, perhaps in Kabul too.
When Afghanistan was overtaken by the Taliban in August 2021, an estimated 50,000 Afghan citizens were evacuated to the United States, according to the State Department. At least 300 parolees (as they’re known) came to Kentucky, including the 125 individuals starting new lives in Lexington with assistance from Kentucky Refugee Ministries.
At the KRM offices in downtown Lexington, we meet the Toori family. The father describes a game, not unlike trick-or-treat, played when a much-anticipated snowfall arrives. You have to be fast to win.
Collect a little bit of snow, shape it and conceal it in an envelope or small box. Add a wishlist of your favorite foods. Pay a visit to your neighbor, trick him into accepting and opening your offering. If he falls for it — barfi! Now he has to prepare all your requested dishes and invite you over to eat them.
The father tells me his barfi story in a bare-bones conference room. We’re all sitting around a cluster of round laminate tables, our plastic desk chairs pulled in close together. An interpreter’s services were offered and declined; everyone’s English is pretty good except the mother’s but her gestures and expressions are plenty eloquent enough.
They’re a family of seven; the children range in age from 17-27, three in high school, one at university, and the oldest in the cross-hairs of his mother’s matchmaking ambitions.
Naturally our conversation is focused on food and celebrations. Favorite dishes from Afghanistan, American dishes they want to try, familiar vegetables common to both countries and new ones typical of Kentucky.
When I ask what’s different about meals in their new home, the oldest daughter describes the novelty of sitting in chairs at a table to eat, and having a stove with an oven. She wants to try making lasagna for the first time.
A few foods are familiar to all of us. They remember corn on the cob, boiled in the husk and eaten with lemon and chilies; or buying it roasted on a bed of sea salt from a street vendor. And sweet cakes made of cornflour, milk and eggs, and served with yogurt and tea.
We pull out our smartphones to research a vital ingredient in ashak; is a “liik” the same thing as a leek? Is it a chive? We can’t agree and decide that maybe it will show up at the farmers market come spring. I tell them about asparagus, which they’ve never had, and Derby parties.
Suddenly, everyone’s talking at once and the eligible bachelor starts passing me sticky notes with their favorite dishes written down. Qabuli, ashak, mantoo, bulani, shorba, qorma, do pyaza. They tell me while there were very good and popular restaurants in their old country, most celebrations took place at home.
I learn about Eid and Nowruz. Nowruz is the New Year, celebrated on the spring equinox. The father explains how there are two Eids, one at the end of Ramadan and the other following a pilgrimage to Mecca, “God’s home.”
Eid is celebrated for three days with visits to each other’s houses, where tables are filled with dried and fresh fruits, cookies and cakes. “It is all for guests” they tell me. “Please eat, we will say. it is for eating, not watching. Every day is not Eid. Eat now!”
Multiple families would join forces to cook ashak and bulani. An average serving of ashak, a small boiled dumpling served with yogurt and tomato, is about 20 pieces. Bulani are similar but larger and fried. “These are special dishes and lots of hands make them.”
Sometimes there’s a lull in the conversation which the father is quick to fill. Fixing me with a steady gaze, he recites spoken-word poetry, free verses of gratitude. I type furiously, trying to get it all down while one of the younger daughters peers intently over my shoulder, watching her father’s words appear on my computer screen.
“When we came to Kentucky, we came to Midway. There was a home and we lived there. In our street there was a woman, her name is Mary and she was very kind. Also there was a man named Logan. He is the same. Very kind man. Always people asked us if we needed anything. All of these people helped us and to us they are in friendship. And so are the staff at KRM; they have helped us very much.”
Then it’s back to food and parties. Their mother, of course, wants to talk weddings. First there’s an engagement party, then the bride’s henna night, finally the wedding reception itself, often hosted in the lavish salons of a grand Kabul hotel, with separate parties for men and women. The festivities last for hours and it’s not unusual to have 500 or more guests in attendance. The older son emphasizes that all the expenses for these huge nuptials “belong to the groom and his family.”
They all describe how guests shower the departing newlyweds with special gifts of dishes, clothes and money (Roi Namaya.) Trying to outdo one another in generosity, they run after the bride and groom, waving their hands in the air and announcing their gifts like frenzied bidders at a high-stakes auction.
We talk about their plans for their new life. The older son has a degree in economics and wants to pursue a master’s. The oldest daughter was studying public administration; she’s thinking of switching to computer science. The three younger siblings will resume high school soon, having had their school year interrupted by resettlement and the holidays.
Again, the father speaks up. “We want the children to finish school. We want to work hard to have our own home (and) make an opportunity for our life. We see that everything is possible here; it is a very safe country. People are understanding and kind. Very merciful. This is our richness. We think we are rich people because we have good friends. I am very thankful to God that He created us as human among his eighteen thousand creatures. We should try to be exact humans.”
There’s a story we tell in my own family. Our mother was a planner with a capital P and made lists for every gathering. How many were coming; did we have enough chairs; have we set enough places? It was a family joke — invariably someone we weren’t expecting, or who was invited at the last minute, showed up. And so we made room for one more.
Because as the father of our new neighbors says, “guests are friends of God.”
To act locally contact Kentucky Refugee Ministries.
To act globally contact World Food Program Afghanistan.
Qabuli Pulao
recipe based on Toori Family descriptions and photography by Talitha Schroeder
This is not a dish to be rushed. It’s not a difficult dish to make but multiple bowls and pots and pans will be used! It’s best made on a snowy weekend afternoon while sipping a leisurely cup of tea. Even better, play a little game of Barfi on a friend and have them make it for you!
Before you get going
The night before: Start soaking the rice. Make the char masala. Do knife work (i.e. cut carrots, chicken, onions)
The day of: Cook the onion, garlic and meat. While it’s simmering, parboil the rice and prepare the carrots and raisins. As soon as the meat is ready, strain broth and make the caramelized sugar mixture. Complete the final assembly in your Dutch oven!
To save on pots and pans: We recommend a Dutch oven for cooking the onions, garlic, and meat and then reusing for the final cooking. No need to wash between the two stages. Just wipe out and then coat lightly with oil before finishing the dish.
Serves 8-10.
Preparation time: approximately three hours, not counting the rice’s overnight soak.
Rice
4 cups Basmati or other long-grain rice
Cover with cold water and soak overnight before proceeding with recipe
Char Masala
Ingredients
1 teaspoon each
Ground cloves
Ground cinnamon
Ground cumin
Ground green cardamom
Ground black pepper
Ground black cardamom
Directions
Combine spices and set aside. You’ll need about 1 ½ teaspoons for the recipe. The rest can be stored for a few months. You can also use whole spices and grind them in an electric spice grinder or with a mortar and pestle.
Chicken/Lamb/Beef
Ingredients
2 medium onions (or one large), halved and thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, sliced
2 tablespoons neutral vegetable oil
2# boneless chicken thighs, or boneless lamb or beef (or veal), cut into 2” pieces
1 teaspoon char masala
½ teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup water or stock
Directions
Lightly brown onions and garlic in two tablespoons of oil over medium high heat, about ten minutes.
Remove from pan, add meat, with additional two tablespoons of oil (if needed), to pan and lightly brown on all sides.
When browned, return onion mixture to the meat in the pan, salt lightly, sprinkle with char masala and cover with one cup water.
Bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover and simmer until meat is fork tender.
Add more water as needed to maintain at least one cup of liquid throughout the cooking process. Start checking for doneness after 30 minutes if cooking chicken. Beef and lamb may take up to 1.5 hours.
When the meat is tender, strain the contents, reserving the meat and broth separately.
Measure out one cup of broth to finish the dish. If there’s extra broth, reserve for another use
Parboil the Rice
While the meat is cooking; drain the rice which has been soaked overnight.
Fill a large saucepan with water, add one tablespoon of salt, and bring to a boil.
Add the drained rice and cook for approximately 6-8 minutes or until rice is nearly cooked (tender on the outside but still firm in the middle, check a kernel or two.)
Drain the rice and set aside.
Carrots & Raisins
3-4 medium carrots, peeled and cut into thin julienne (about ¼ inch thick) or shredded
2 tablespoons neutral vegetable oil, divided
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 teaspoon ground cardamom
Pinch of saffron (optional)
1 cup dark raisins
Heat one tablespoon of oil in a small skillet and sauté the julienned or shredded carrots, sprinkling with one teaspoon ground cardamom and one tablespoon sugar, a few tablespoons of water, and a pinch of saffron (if using.)
Cook over medium heat until softened; remove from pan and set aside.
Add a little more oil to the pan and sauté the raisins until they’ve swelled. Remove from the pan and set aside.
Caramelized Broth for Rice
4 tablespoons sugar
½ teaspoon char masala
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 cup broth from cooking the meat, do not degrease; the fat will help coat the rice and add flavor
Wipe the small skillet dry.
Add four tablespoons of sugar and heat over medium heat, shaking the pan frequently, until sugar has caramelized. This will take four or five minutes.
When the sugar has melted and is turning caramel-colored, very carefully, and off the heat, add the one cup of reserved broth, along with char masala and cumin.
Return to heat, bring to a boil, then remove from heat. Let cool slightly then stir the caramelized sugar broth into the parboiled rice and mix well, until the rice is evenly coated.
Putting it all together:
Lightly oil a shallow pan or Dutch oven large enough to hold the rice and meat.
Spread half the rice in the pan or Dutch oven.
Top the rice with the meat and onion mixture.
Add a layer of half the carrots and raisins.
Top with the remainder of the rice and using the handle of a wooden spoon, poke several holes through the rice to the bottom of the pot.
Cover the pot with a clean kitchen towel and then a tight-fitting lid.
Fold the ends of the towel up over the lid.
Set the pot over medium-high heat for 3-5 minutes.
Reduce heat to low and simmer for 15-20 minutes.
Remove from heat and allow to rest for another 10 minutes.
When ready to serve, gently stir the meat and rice together.
Mound onto a serving platter and top with reserved carrots and raisins
Garnish with toasted, chopped pistachios or slivered almonds if desired
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